If youâve ever been in love, you might remember how absolutely terrifying it felt to realize this at the beginning. The knots in your stomach. đ”âđ« Playing out fake scenarios in your head. đ§ Agonizing about whether or not they feel the same. đ© Thereâs a reason itâs called âfalling in loveâ â it feels simultaneously exhilarating and vulnerable. But if you find that the other person feels the same, itâs a high unlike any other.
Creating a love story was one of the more sweet aspects of my writing process. I got the chance to build a beautifully complicated relationship that I wanted to make feel as real as possible. I got to feel the sensation of falling alongside my characters and put words to the rollercoaster of emotions. And I was able to remind myself of the pure feeling that love can be when itâs in those early stages. đ„°
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Given that my novel is a thriller and much of it is about the loss, grief, and other more dark themes, I needed to make the relationship feel like something worth losing (even if those memories were overly-romanticized by my the protagonist). One of the ways I did that was through a very special San Francisco landmark that served as a symbol for this âunconditionalâ love these characters felt for each other.
Which brings me to my new tattoo⊠đ
Sutro Tower is a radio and TV antenna in San Francisco. Itâs one of those distinct Bay Area landmarks â thatâs much lesser known than things like the Golden Gate Bridge or Alcatraz â but is still extremely iconic for those that live here. It sits on a hill in the south-west end of the city and can be seen from nearly every neighborhood if youâve got an unobstructed view. đ
Video by San Francisco Chronicle
I always knew that when I finally finished this book I was going to get this tattooed on me. It represents my love for San Francisco and commemorates the finishing of a major accomplishment.
In the book, Sutro Tower symbolizes loving someone even when theyâre not with you. My main characterâs first say they love each other when looking at the tower. And because Sutro Tower can be seen from nearly every area of the city, they are reminded of that night and there love everytime they see it. While this is sweet in the context of them being together, the towerâs meaning changes for my main character after the breakup.
Below Iâve included an excerpt from Chapter 10 of the book, that touches on this sweet memory before the meaning behind Sutro Tower changed for Tennessee. And as an added bonus, Iâve included a little playlist of songs that feel like falling in love too. đ
An excerpt from Chp. 10 of A Place Between Dreams:
It was raining the night Sutro Tower got its meaning. Not the usual drizzle that comes through the city every few days in the early morning hours of winter, but a bad storm. A once-a-year type of storm that hits the Bay Area like a ton of bricks.
It was well past three in the morning and Tennesseeâs truck was the only car on the road. The sky dumped inches of water in a matter of hours. Every storm drain and gutter they passed seemed to be overflowing. Tennessee could hardly see more than a few feet in front of him, even with the windshield wipers running at full speed.
At this point, things were getting serious with Lucy. Theyâd been seeing each other for a few months now. There were no longer questions lingering around about what exactly they were to each other or if either of them was seeing anyone else. Their relationship was at a turning point. It had become something real, and something he couldnât live without.
He knew he was in love with herâthough he hadnât yet said it out loud. He didnât know if she felt the same and he wasnât ready to find out if she didnât. Heâd rather live in blissful ignorance than see this end too soon. So for the last few weeks, he carried his feelings close to his chest and did his best not to make them known.
There were a few times it almost slipped out. Like right when they woke up and her tired eyes met his or when sheâd get up on her tip-toes to kiss him goodbye. Each time, he would bite the sides of his cheeks to stop himself when it almost came out.
But his actions werenât so easy to control. The love he was hiding caused him to do such stupid things. Like this night, for example. He knew better than to be driving in this storm, especially as drunk as he was. He would have immediately shut down this ridiculous request if it came from anyone else. But he couldnât say no to her.
Despite the rain, she sat up on the window with her whole body out in the wind, which splayed her hair out behind her. Her cropped pink T-shirt was soaked through and clung to her chest. Water splattered across the inside of the dashboard and all over the upholstery. She flung both her arms up above her and shouted things he couldnât hear over the music and the whooshing sound of the wind.
Tennessee gripped the steering wheel tightly with his left hand and held her ankle with his right. He didnât dare attempt to look over at her in the side-view mirror like he usually would. He needed to pay attention to every detail of the winding road while making sure she didnât fall out of the truck.
A swirl of anxious thoughts ran through his mind about what could go wrong. A cop could pull them over. One of the truckâs tires could hydroplane and send them skidding across the road. They could hit a turn in just the wrong way and her whole body could go flying out the window and tumbling down the cliff side. There were so many terrible possibilities.
âItâll be okay,â he said, his eyes laser-focused on the double yellow lines in front of him, trying his best not to swerve. âWeâre almost there.â
When he could get past the panicked voice in his head, there was a small part of himâ somewhere deep in the back of his mindâthat enjoyed the rush of it all. The sense of adrenaline that came with the danger theyâd put themselves in. He could feel her reckless, joyful energy and sensed it was rubbing off on him. It was the two of them against the world. Both the fear and excitement meshed into one burning fire of emotions in his stomach. It was like nothing he'd ever felt before.
A wave of relief came over him when she finally pulled herself back into the cab of the truck as they turned into the empty parking lot at the top of Twin Peaks. But before he could even put the car in park, Lucy was already outside. No jacket or umbrella. Just her, spinning in circles in the rain.
âWhat are you doing?â he yelled out the window.
âWhat are you doing?â she said, stopping mid-spin.
She walked over to the driverâs side and opened the door. âYou canât leave me all alone out here,â she pleaded, tugging at his arm. She stretched her wet arm across his lap, trying to unbuckle his seat belt that was just barely out of reach.
He shook his head as he watched her struggle, âYou know, you make me do such stupid stuff.â He swatted her hand away and unbuckled himself to get out of the truck.
She beamed as she pulled him over toward the edge of the hillside. The spectacular view of the downtown skyscrapers and streetlights was blocked by the thick rain clouds. All he could make out of the city now was a distant, blurry haze that lit up the dark clouds with a white glow.
Music was still playing from the truck. She climbed up on the cement ledge and continued to dance and spin in the downpour, a small handbag swinging from her shoulder. He stood back with his hands in his jacket pockets and hoped that she wouldnât ask him to follow her lead.
Soon, his clothes were just as soaked through as hers. Rainwater found its way into the seams of his boots and his socks grew soggier the longer he stood there. His jeans became heavy as more water seeped into the denim.
Tennessee couldnât help but look at the darkness that Lucy was dancing dangerously close to, where the cliffside dropped off into nothing. His shoulders and knees began to tremble as he watched her feet get closer to the edge with each step she took.
âCan you please come back down here?â he asked, âYouâve had too much to drink. Youâre going to fall down the hill.â
âThereâs no such thing as too much to drink!â she said, still dancing to Lordeâs Green Light that was blasting from the speakers. âBesides, youâre afraid of heightsâwhich means youâre afraid of falling, not afraid of me falling!â
âThatâs not true,â he said, âIâd rather fall down this hill 100 times, than watch you fall down it even once.â
âIs that so?â she bent down toward him and grabbed onto the tops of his shoulders, âSo youâre saying youâd fall for me?â
He responded without even thinking, âItâs too late for that. I already did.â
A pit opened up in his stomach as he realized what he just said. The alcohol made him forget to bite his cheeks. They both stood still. They both knew what he meant by that statement. He wanted to pull the words right out of the air, put them back in his mouth, and swallow them. But it was too late. He already said them. Even with the rush of wind against his ears, all he could focus on was the silence between them. Faint clouds from their exhales filled the space in the brisk air. Her face was stern and lifeless, as she scanned his face.
Her face said it all. She didnât feel the same. He knew it. She didnât need to say anything. He was an idiot to think someone like her could love someone like him.
She stepped down from the ledge, wrapping her arms around his back and wedged herself closely into his arms.
âIâuhâIâm sorry,â more words started to spew out of him uncontrollably. âI know you probably donâtââ
âI love you,â she said with wide eyes as water droplets fell from her lips.
His mind went blank and his body froze. Thereâs no way she actually just said that. Did he imagine it? How drunk was he? She couldnât love him. There was no way.
After a few moments, her eyebrows furrowed and he could feel her body tense up beneath his arms.
âUh⊠are you gonna say it back?â she asked.
It was real. She did say it! She did love him!
He quickly snapped out of his doubtful haze. He wasnât sure just how much time had passed, but long enough for her to sense some hesitation. He could finally tell her how he felt. He needed to speakâand he needed to do it now.
âI love you too, Lucy.â He pushed a wet strand of hair away from her forehead, âI have for a while now.â
âOh, thank god,â she let out a big exhale and relaxed under his arms.
âIâve known for a few weeks,â he could finally let out all the words and feelings heâd been holding in, âI didnât want to say it too soon and screw this whole thing up. I didnât think you felt the same.â
âIâve known for weeks now too,â she said, a smile spread across her face. âOf course I feel the same. I canât believe you let me beat you to it.â
It was like a weight had been lifted off of him. He no longer needed to hide his true feelings or bite his cheek. There was nothing for him to be afraid of anymore. He had everything he needed right there in his arms.
Just then, a gust of wind ripped through the night air and the rain started to come down even harder. Her eyes were glossy and her cheeks were bright red from the handful of tequila shots she took. Her face was warm as he grazed her cheek with his thumb. The clouds coming from their exhales disappeared the closer he pulled her in until there was no air left between their lips. She tasted like fresh rain and agave. As her hands crawled up his chest, his heart started to beat faster. His fingers traced down her spine until they landed on her lower back, while hers eventually interlaced behind his neck. He could feel her goosebumps from under her shirt.
She pulled away and whispered in his ear as she looked up over his shoulder, âNo matter where we are, no matter how much time has passed, just look up at the tower and know that Iâll always love you.â
He turned his head to look up at Sutro Towerâits red lights twinkled against the dark sky. He couldnât hold in the smile that spread across his face. His cheeks became flushed and a wall of tears formed in front of his eyes.
He nodded, âIâll think of tonight every time I see it.â He pulled her closer, resting his head against herâs and using his wet sleeve to wipe his face.
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